Chapter 8
Is There Escape From Fear?
I was 25 and I was shocked and terrified. How could this be happening to me?One morning I began having heart palpitations. I thought I was having a heart attack. My wife took me to a hospital emergency room. There I crashed into total humiliation. It wasn’t a heart attack. It was a panic attack, something I had never heard of. They told me, a former infantry combat platoon leader, to breathe into a paper bag. This was so embarrassing. With all the fear I had experienced in Vietnam, nothing like that had ever happened to me. Today, probably my panic attack would be labelled PTSD. It wasn’t PTSD. It was ITRHOL. Idiot Trying to Run His Own Life and screwing it up. Of course I didn’t recognize this. When it was over I viewed it as just an embarrassing glitch. As I have said before, I am a slow learner. How did I get to that panic attack? As they say, therein lies a story.
Growing up in a Christian home, I believed in Jesus from a very early age. As a child, I had asked Him to be my Savior. As a teen, I was definitely a serious “believer” active in Christian youth groups and church. But there was a vital life changing line that I was afraid to approach. As I grew older, I knew that line was out there, a kind of crossroads that I didn’t want to reach. For all the seriousness about my being a believer in Jesus, I had never taken my hands off the steering wheel of my life and given Him complete control. I was afraid to say to Him, “I’m yours, do with me and all that I have anything you want.” I was afraid to give up control of my will to Him. After all, what if He sent me somewhere I didn’t want to go? Like Africa or Louisiana. I’d spent time there in the army. Better to stay far away from that crossroads. Looking back now, that is insanely laughable. So let me tell you how I found myself exactly where I didn’t want to go.
When I came home from Vietnam, I was hyped for life. I was 23, a decorated combat veteran, an infantry officer, a proven leader and I was going to accomplish things. In the military I had been highly successful, and I was certain that glorious success would continue straight on through the rest of my life. I mean, that’s just who I was. So, I jump-started into my plan for me. And everything began well. But in 1971, just 2 and ½ years out of Vietnam, a business that I had started failed miserably. Suddenly I had no income. No way to support my little family. That’s when I had to breathe into a paper bag.
But in 1972, salvation. A friend who was managing of a major evangelical publication asked me to join the staff. I’ve talked about that in a previous chapter. So my plans were back on track. Everything was going to be just fine. But in two years, another disaster. I lost that job. Then, more salvation. At the last minute a job offer came in. It would demand that I move from the east coast to the west coast and the whole thing didn’t really feel quite right, but I needed to make money. I mean having faith is fine until your back account is empty, right? So, being a serious Christian, I very seriously prayed for a couple of days. I call it my California Prayer. I said I wanted God’s direction, but what I really wanted was His approval of my plans. I literally prayed myself into believing it was God’s Will that we make the move. So, I dragged my little family across the United States. Six months later, another disaster. I got fired from that organization along with everyone else on staff. I’ve written about that hellish experience in my short book, The Curse of Conservatism. What happened next? Yet again, I dragged my long-suffering wife and children back across the country, this time to Illinois where I took a menial job so I could afford to finish college on the GI bill.
It was during that humiliating period of abject failure, with all my plans swirling down a toilet, as a 30-year-old undergrad, that God began to show me things that were entirely unexpected. While at Northern Illinois University, I took a history of film course. In it, I discovered screenwriting and the potential of Hollywood. This was exciting. A new plan and goal. Of course, I had no idea how impossible it is to become a successful Hollywood writer. However, I have always enjoyed making vital life decisions out of total ignorance. But it was different this time in ways that I didn’t expect. God really does guide total idiots. So, we moved back to California, and I began studying screenwriting at USC grad school. You know, my wife, Carel, is amazing. Through all of this suicidal stupidity she never batted an eye. She never stopped believing in Jesus or in me. She is a true servant warrior. This fall we will be married 59 years.
In California, to afford grad school while feeding my family, I took a job as marketing director at a terrible company run by a truly evil man. How evil? Eleven years after I left the company, his wife murdered him. I talk about this experience in our Patterns of Supernatural Phenomena series episode number 34, Perfect Demon Possession. I only lasted a year working there. But by that time, I had finished my first professional screenplay, and I had an agent. My screenwriting prof at USC told me that my script was excellent and I shouldn’t sell it for less than 400,00 dollars. And do you know, to this very day I haven’t done so. If you want to read that screenplay it is on our website ThorncrownStudios.com. Look for At the Back of the North Wind. Anyway, I left the terrible company in June of 1978 with enough money to last about four months. So obviously God would sell my script during that time. Well, the end of September arrived and nothing. We were almost out of money. What was going on? Hadn’t God led me here? Isn’t He supposed to work on my schedule?
Clearly, it was time for drastic spiritual measures. I needed to prove to God how serious I was. No simple California prayer this time. I would fast from food until God sold my screenplay. Yes, that was the plan. Doesn’t that sound mature and rational? Well, I made it for nine days and still no sale. Finally, I just couldn’t continue. I mean being spiritual was fine, but I had to eat. Now I had never fasted before. There is a certain protocol for getting off a long fast. But I didn’t know that and there was no Chatgpt to ask about it. So, I broke my fast with a Big Mac. Do I need to tell you that this was a very bad plan? As you know by now, I enjoy suffering through terrible plans of my own creation. This one was a gastrointestinal disaster.
It’s a good thing I started eating again because if I had fasted until a script was sold I would have gotten really thin. I didn’t sell a screenplay for over a year after the Big Mac incident. Through all of 1979 I earned a total of 200 dollars. How does a family of five live on 200 dollars for a year? You’ll hear about that in the next chapter. But I will tell you this, that year was one of the most important of my entire life. I began to learn what it means to be a servant warrior for Jesus, the King. Right now, I have a few questions for you:
Be absolutely honest. Let’s cut through the well-varnished garbage, okay? How has your life really been going? I don’t care if you are vastly successful or a total loser. I don’t care if you are old or young. What’s the truth? Another question: Who runs your life? Most people would say, “I run my life and that’s the way I want it. Even if I’m swimming in a cesspool, I’ll keep making excuses for the stinking choices I’ve made and blame others or God for the reeking disaster. But I’m keeping a positive mental and spiritual attitude. At least my cesspool is body temperature. I hate the cold.” I hope that isn’t you. The honest truth? That is the attitude of someone who thinks they are their own little god. It’s self-worship in your own little temple of crap and it’s no different than if you were groveling before a stone idol.
Humans worshipping themselves is the ultimate evil behind every disaster that has come upon the human race through all of time. In our day, this lethal insanity is bolstered by the idiotic belief that we are all just products of blind evolution, survival of the fittest. Which means we are answerable only to ourselves. What is the truth? You are a unique creatiion by the God of the universe who loves you and has a plan for your life. But you won’t find that plan until you get His forgiveness for your rotten sins and take your hands off the steering wheel of your existence. You’ve got to stop being your own shining deity and give up control to the real God. Does that frighten you? I understand.
Take it from someone who is 79 years old and has lived both ways. I really didn’t do well as a god. Giving up control of my life to Jesus Christ is where the self made disaster stopped and the adventure began. So it will be for you. Will it be easy? Absolutely not. You will face every kind of challenge and sorrow, but you won’t face them alone. You will have a purpose that you never had before. As I look back, my only question is, why was I such an ass to wait so long?
Here is your challenge for this week: Every day think deeply about these words found in Paul’s letter to the Philippian’s chapter 1 verse 21, “For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” And think about these words that my mother taught me while I was growing up, “Only one life, it will soon be past. Only what’s done for Christ will last.” See you next chapter.
Bible Study and Small Group Discussion Questions
- What does this chapter reveal about the illusion of self‑control?
Passage: Proverbs 16:9 “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.”
From the chapter: “I had never taken my hands off the steering wheel of my life and given Him complete control.”
Question: Where do you most resist letting God take the wheel? - Why does God sometimes allow our plans to collapse?
Passage: Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
From the chapter: “It was during that humiliating period of abject failure… that God began to show me things that were entirely unexpected.”
Question: How has God used failure or humiliation to redirect you? - How does pride disguise itself as spiritual seriousness?
Passage: James 4:10 “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.”
From the chapter: “I said I wanted God’s direction, but what I really wanted was His approval of my plans.”
Question: When have you mistaken self‑will for spirituality? - What does this chapter teach about the danger of manipulating God?
Passage: Isaiah 58:3–4 God rebukes fasting done for selfish motives.
Question: Where are you tempted to use spiritual practices to pressure God? - Why is surrender the turning point of a servant warrior’s life?
Passage: Romans 12:1 “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice…”
From the chapter: “You’ve got to stop being your own shining deity and give up control to the real God.”
Question: What part of your life is hardest to place on the altar? - How does fear expose the false gods we worship?
Passage: Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.”
From the chapter: “Most people would say, ‘I run my life and that’s the way I want it’… That is the attitude of someone who thinks they are their own little god.”
Question: What fear reveals where you still trust yourself more than God? - What does this chapter reveal about God’s patience with slow learners?
Passage: Psalm 103:13–14 “He remembers that we are dust.”
From the chapter: “As I have said before, I am a slow learner… God really does guide total idiots.”
Question: Where do you see God’s patience in your own story? - How does God use long seasons of waiting to shape His servants?
Passage: Galatians 6:9 “Let us not grow weary of doing good…”
From the chapter: “I didn’t sell a screenplay for over a year… That year was one of the most important of my entire life.”
Question: What has God taught you in your longest season of waiting? - Why is self‑worship the root of spiritual disaster?
Passage: Exodus 20:3 “You shall have no other gods before Me.”
From the chapter: “Humans worshipping themselves is the ultimate evil behind every disaster…”
Question: In what subtle ways does self‑worship show up in your decisions? - How does the promise of Christ reshape our view of life and death?
Passage: Philippians 1:21 “For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
From the chapter: “Every day think deeply about these words… ‘Only what’s done for Christ will last.’”
Question: How would your priorities shift if you truly lived by this verse?
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