Chapter 7
Is Forgiving Others Good For YOU?
Here is the reality. We live in a world that is a cesspool of hate and anger. Most tragically, for many, many generations, that hate has spewed between people who claim to be Christians. During the 1940’s in my mother’s hometown of Tonkawa, Oklahoma, all of her family went to the little Presbyterian Church that was located there. This was during the great modernist/fundamentalist war that raged in the major denominations. Her family in Tonkawa split. One brother-in-law and his clan left the church to start a new non-denominational church a few blocks away. Another brother-in-law and his family stayed Presbyterian. The rancor between these families became so intense that they rarely spoke to each other though they lived only two miles apart. The brothers in-law never spoke. When my family would visit from Chicago in the summer, we would bounce back and forth between the warring clans. It broke my mother’s heart. This went on for many years.
Finally, that generation began to die off. One brother-in-law passed away in 1967. In the late 1980’s my wife and I visited Tonkawa and spent time with the other aging brother-in-law. In my presence he said, “If Ernest is in Heaven, I don’t want to go there.” I hope he repented of that. He’s been dead now for years.
Here is an inexorable spiritual law. A servant warrior for Jesus the King cannot allow one drop of hate for people to remain in his or her life. You may hate what they do, the evil that is destroying them and others, but you cannot allow yourself to hate the individual or it will destroy you. Do you understand the difference? True forgiveness is the only shield that will protect you.
In the last chapter we talked about vertical forgiveness, an action that takes place between you and God. In vertical forgiveness, you place a person who has wronged you into God’s Hands, letting Him be the judge, while you do whatever good you can for the person who has offended you, which could mean just praying for them. There is a second kind of forgiveness that Jesus taught and it has been called “horizontal”. It takes place between people and it’s found in Luke 17:3-4: “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”
Horizontal forgiveness is conditional forgiveness. Conditional? But didn’t we say in the last chapter that real forgiveness is unconditional? Horizontal forgiveness is conditional in the sense that we verbalize it when the offender asks to be forgiven. After the individual acknowledges his sin against you and asks for forgiveness you can speak the words of release, “I forgive you.” But preparation to forgive in this way must have been made through vertical forgiveness between you and God.
In prayer you have forgiven the person, so you are ready to complete the action when he or she asks for it. That’s how the two types of forgiveness that Jesus taught work together. But be cautious, serious mistakes have been made by well-intentioned people who rush up and forgive someone when that person hasn’t asked to be forgiven and may not want it. There are times when we should tell someone they are forgiven though they haven’t asked for it. Those are times when the perpetrator is filled with so much sorrow for his actions, is so humiliated or is so damaged, that he can’t imagine you could ever forgive, yet you do. This can be the most powerful witness to the reality and Love of Christ. The Holy Spirit will guide.
In horizontal forgiveness, the request to be forgiven should be real. How do we know that it’s real? There is some kind of honest attempt to change, which comes from a humble attitude of the heart. Watch for an honest desire to make things right. The first evidence may be in the request for forgiveness itself. The very request may be a major step for that individual.
In Jesus’ parable that we talked about in the last chapter, the servant who was forgiven a huge amount by the king then refused to forgive someone who owed him only a little, the man’s actions proved that there was no real gratitude or repentance in him. The proof was in his actions. When repentance is real, there will always be some proof of transformation that goes beyond simple words. Depending upon the offense, that may, when possible, include some form of restitution. But in watching for proof of repentance, we should never stand over a person waiting for him to fail. This is not forgiveness and proves that “vertical forgiveness” has not taken place.
After asking to be forgiven, if your brother or sister does fail and asks to be forgiven again you are to do so. As Jesus told His disciples, a person may stumble many times a day and if he repents, he must be forgiven. There will be no strength to do this if the judicial act of real forgiveness isn’t taking place between you and God. Over and over, Jesus gave the most serious warning about forgiveness. If we refuse to forgive others, our Father in Heaven will not forgive us. This is echoed in the Lord’s Prayer. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.” We might read that “in the same manner” in which we forgive a person.
How would you like for God to forgive you? Would you like for Him to say He’s forgiven you, then years later or maybe when you die, shove all your sins back in your face? Do you want Him to forgive you conditionally? “I’ll forgive you as long as you never do anything that hurts Me again?” Is that what you want? If not, then as you pray to the Father, forgive others in the same way that you want God to forgive you, unconditionally and completely. Forgive others as though your eternal life depended upon it.
But a serious word of caution. It is often necessary to rebuke the person who has offended you, telling him exactly what he has done. There is always risk in this and doing it with the right attitude is essential. The rebuke should never be communicated in anger. It should only be done after real, vertical forgiveness has taken place. And only after a lot of prayer, asking for wisdom and the strength to love that individual.
Another serious warning. True forgiveness does not mean that the previous relationship begins again as though nothing happened. While there is sacrificial love and forgiveness, the exact, same relationship may never be re-established. Instead, a new one begins. For instance, if a person was in charge of your money and stole from you, it would be unwise to put him or her back into the same position of temptation. If a person was physically or emotionally abusive, the same relationship of trusting vulnerability may never be re-established. Or at least it would take years to prove that real change had occurred. The truly repentant individual is on a journey of healing, and we know from our own experience that those journeys are long. Also, receiving your forgiveness does not absolve individuals from answering for what they have done if it was against the law. That price may need to be paid.
A lifetime of forgiveness, receiving it and giving it, is your journey as a servant warrior of Jesus Christ. Only as you walk it with Him are you prepared for the battles that lie ahead. Right now, in America millions of people who classify themselves as Christians are locked in a war that will lead only to failure and destruction. Constantly on social media I see hateful posts from people locked in heartbreaking wars with other people. Their words are evil and insulting and prove that they may not be followers of Jesus at all. Hate and fear focus and shape the lives of millions. Don’t be one of them.
Do you really want to be a servant warrior for Jesus, the Eternal King? Do you want to fight His battles with His power. It begins when you lay aside your pride, humble yourself and kneel before Jesus realizing that you are a sinner without hope and, believing in Him, you ask for His forgiveness. What a gift you receive. Because in His great love He died to pay the penalty that you owe, you get His total forgiveness and with it eternal life.
That’s where the life of the servant warrior begins, realizing the first enemy you face is yourself, your own pride and laziness. Like a warrior in preparation for battle you begin each day by having God speak to you through His word, the Bible. If you have not done so, I strongly recommend that you start by reading the Gospel of John, a chapter a day. If you don’t have one, get a good modern translation. You can read many on Bible Hub and YouVersion.
Personally, I follow the chapter by reading an entry in a wonderful little set of books by a great man of God of the previous century named F. B. Meyer. The books are entitled Our Daily Homily. They go chapter by chapter through the Bible. Also for many years I have read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, which has an entry for each day of the year. These have been resources through most of my life. After reading comes time in prayer which begins with repentance and asking God to forgive me for all the garbage I did the previous day. Often, I am tempted to remember evil things people have done to me. That is silenced by reminding myself of my vertical decision to forgive. I find myself vertically forgiving people very often, especially when I’m driving.
After that, it’s time to pray seriously for the needs of others. I have a constantly growing list. Long ago, I discovered that praying for other people forces me stop thinking about myself. You can’t pray this way and stay locked in self-pity and anger. This is radically different than the wisdom of this age that constantly whispers, “All of your problems have been caused by trying to live up to the expectations of other people. You need to start living for yourself. Put yourself first, then you will find true happiness and fulfillment.” Certainly, living only to please others is a trap, but so is living only to please yourself. You will never discover who God created you to be, and His purpose for your life while you only live for yourself. Over decades, in Hollywood, I have known many people who have lived only for themselves. All it brings is emptiness and ever enlarging wounds.
Your challenge this week? Each day, focus on thanking Jesus for the forgiveness that He has given you for all the evil things that you have done. Then pray hard for the suffering people in your world. Next chapter I’m going to tell you about the deadly Big Mac.
Bible Study and Small Group Discussion Questions
- Why is harboring even a drop of hatred spiritually destructive for a servant warrior?
Passage: 1 John 4:20 — “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar.”
From the chapter: “A servant warrior for Jesus the King cannot allow one drop of hate for people to remain in his or her life.”
Question: Where do you see subtle forms of resentment or contempt lingering in your heart? - How does Jesus’ teaching in Luke 17 clarify the difference between vertical and horizontal forgiveness?
Passage: Luke 17:3–4
From the chapter: “Horizontal forgiveness is conditional in the sense that we verbalize it when the offender asks to be forgiven.”
Question: How does understanding these two kinds of forgiveness change the way you respond to people who hurt you? - What does genuine repentance look like, and why does it matter for horizontal forgiveness?
Passage: Acts 26:20 — “They should repent and turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance.”
From the chapter: “When repentance is real, there will always be some proof of transformation that goes beyond simple words.”
Question: What signs of real repentance do you look for — and are your expectations fair and rooted in grace? - Why does Jesus warn so strongly that refusing to forgive endangers our own forgiveness?
Passage: Matthew 6:14–15 — “If you forgive others… your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
From the chapter: “If we refuse to forgive others, our Father in Heaven will not forgive us.”
Question: How does this warning reshape the way you think about grudges, boundaries, and justice? - Why is rebuking someone sometimes necessary, and what makes a rebuke godly rather than destructive?
Passage: Galatians 6:1 — “Restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”
From the chapter: “The rebuke should never be communicated in anger… only after a lot of prayer, asking for wisdom and the strength to love that individual.”
Question: When have you avoided a needed conversation out of fear — or rushed into one without prayer? - Why doesn’t forgiveness always restore a relationship to what it was before?
Passage: Proverbs 4:23 — “Above all else, guard your heart.”
From the chapter: “True forgiveness does not mean that the previous relationship begins again as though nothing happened… a new one begins.”
Question: What relationships in your life require forgiveness — but also new boundaries or a new kind of wisdom? - How does daily gratitude for God’s forgiveness shape your ability to forgive others?
Passage: Ephesians 4:32 — “Forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
From the chapter: “Each day, focus on thanking Jesus for the forgiveness that He has given you for all the evil things that you have done.”
Question: How would your emotional and spiritual life change if gratitude for God’s mercy became your daily starting point?
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